How to Create Something New Despite Past Hurts and Hang-Ups
Many blended families exhaust themselves trying to outrun their histories of divorce, grief, and disappointment. As if moving fast enough will eventually leave the pain behind.
Over the years, I’ve found that the families who have found the deepest unity and the greatest sense of mission are the ones who brought their hurts to Jesus and let Him build something new.
My husband Jim and I have what we lovingly call our Franklin Smoothie family. Five kids, ten grandchildren, and more than a few complicated dynamics blended into one life together. I won’t pretend the path here was straight or easy. But I have watched God take broken pieces and make something beautiful and whole.
Here are three keys to keeping Christ at the center of your blended family.
1. Take time to process any grief, even as you build joy.
Every blended family begins because something was broken, or perhaps because of a loss.
Even when remarriage brings genuine love and hope, it rises from the rubble of something that did not go according to plan. One of the most common blended family challenges is the pressure to skip past the grief.
Parents want to believe that a fresh start means the pain is automatically behind them. Children are expected to adjust quickly, embrace a new family structure, and move forward. But grief that is ignored does not disappear. I have learned that grief insists on being heard. It resurfaces as resistance, anger, withdrawal, or distance.
Many children have loyalty conflicts they cannot name. They may feel that loving a stepparent is somehow a betrayal of their biological parent. They may be mourning their old family structure, even if that family was painful. Letting them truly express their emotions—if necessary, with the help of a therapist— is an opportunity for them to learn that God can handle their grief and any other big emotions they have.
Parents often carry the shame of a broken marriage, guilt about watching their children struggle, and fear that they have caused too much damage. God is not standing at a distance from any of that. He is near to the brokenhearted, including the brokenhearted parent.
Practically, this might look like:
- Create space for honest conversations where children can share hard things without being corrected or shut down.
- Meet with a trained Christian counselor to process any shame or guilt.
- Work on releasing bitterness toward an ex-spouse, not because the hurt wasn’t real, but because forgiveness is really a door to freedom.
2. Build Shared Rhythms That Point Your Family Toward God
Bringing two families together can take time. Belonging is cultivated through shared experience, repeated over time. Research and experience both confirm that blended families typically need five to seven years to develop the kind of intimacy and trust that feels natural.
Spiritual rhythms are one of the most powerful tools you have. Over time, God’s Word and the Holy Spirit’s guidance will shape your family life to be one that reflects the goodness of our Creator.
Practically, here is how this might work. Below are a few simple family devotional ideas and rhythms that communicate to every member of your household that your family depends on God.
- Pray together before meals.
- Start a family devotional or read a short passage of Scripture together.
- Play worship songs at home or in the car.
- Make church a non-negotiable part of your family’s week, as much as your custody schedule allows. If you are still figuring out where to attend, make that decision together as a couple. For older kids and teenagers, include them in the conversation.
- Talk about what you learned from the service after attending your church.
As trust grows, move toward serving together. A shared missions project, a family service day, volunteering at your church, or eventually a family missions trip creates the kind of side-by-side experience that bonds people in ways that dinner table conversations cannot.
3. Lead From the Overflow of Your Own Spiritual Walk
Your family will follow you where you go spiritually.
Children and stepchildren are watching far more than they are listening. They notice whether the faith you talk about on Sunday is the faith you live by on Tuesday night, when the conflict is real, and your patience is thin.
The most important thing you can do for your blended family is not to find the right strategy or read the right book. It is to stay deeply rooted in your own relationship with God and let that overflow into how you lead your home.
Many blended family parents are running on empty as they manage co-parenting logistics, navigate children’s emotions, try to protect their marriage, and hold the household together. Busyness becomes the enemy of surrender.
When you can lead from a full cup, not an empty one, it changes the culture of your entire home.
Practically, this might look like:
- Invest in your personal walk with God through Bible study and prayer.
- Prioritize your marriage as the anchor of your family.
- Pray with your spouse or have a devotional time together.
- Join a couple’s small group at your church.
- Address hard conversations before they become crises. A stable, loving marriage between mom and stepdad, or dad and stepmom, gives every child in the home a more secure foundation for healing.
Something New Is Being Built
A thriving Christian blended family can be one of the most powerful displays of the gospel’s redemptive power.
“Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:19 (CSB)
God is making a way in your family. Trust Him with the pieces, and you will be surprised at what he creates.
If you’re ready to go deeper, my book Blended & Blessed: Building Family Unity & Healing Through the Beatitudes offers Scripture, personal testimony, and practical tools to help your family move from heartache to healing. It is written for every family navigating the beautiful, messy, redemptive journey of blending.