The Anatomy of Forgiveness

Pierce O’Farrill was shot three times in a Colorado movie theater. He said he hoped to talk to the crazed gunman, James Eagan Holmes, so he could say, “I forgive you.”
Devastated mother of a raped daughter in Stubenbenville, looked at the boys who sexually assaulted her daughter and said, “I forgive you.”
How is this possible? I have not faced these kinds of horrors, but I have needed to learn how forgiveness unfolds. As a young church planter in my first senior role, I experienced the best and worst of humanity. I experienced the joy of people coming to Jesus and the disappointment of people not living up to their words. I walked in the path of discouragement, bathed in the pain of betrayal and found myself in an emotional tailspin when I encountered a very different and very painful life – so different from what I’d dreamed of.
In a moment of quiet reflection, I realized that I didn’t know how to forgive. Absent the ability to pardon perpetrators of the pain they caused in my life, I pulled back from life and relationships into a cocoon of loneliness and despair. As I mused about the concept of forgiveness, scriptures would scroll across the marquis of my mind, “Forgive one another as the Lord forgave you,” (Colossians 3:13); “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you,” (Ephesians 4:32). Even though I knew these in my head, I was impotent to bring the healing power of God’s forgiveness into the real world of my pain.
Thankfully, I read a book written by Lewis Smedes called Shame and Grace. He inspired me to recognize the anatomy of forgiveness. Here are his principles, which have been so helpful to me in my journey of forgiveness.
- Accurately assign responsibility for the wound. It is probably safe to assume that we all misjudge who is liable for our hurt. The tendency of our hurting hearts is to blame others, while giving ourselves a pass on what we may have contributed, or, take too much of the responsibility and neglect to identify the role others have played in our injury. Healing begins and the journey towards forgiveness is initiated by humbly discovering how much the offender is responsible and how much we may have contributed towards being hurt. (Proverbs 12:15)
- Surrender our right to get even. Last week I had to carry an 8-year-old girl to her car because a horse had stepped on her foot during a school field trip to a ranch. Trying to lighten the mood, I jokingly asked her, “Did you step on the horses foot to get her back?” That’s the flesh talking. Whether we demand justice or want others to hurt as much as we hurt, the temptation to lash out is a powerful one. God wants us to let Him impart justice in this life (Romans 12:29). If we surrender to the perpetrator, we will continue to feel weak, like a victim. It is imperative that we remember that God is sovereign, that he is the one who will work out justice in His way and in His time. (Proverbs 3:5) “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.” Thomas Fuller
- Rework the caricature of the person who injured us. The moment we get hurt, our minds begin to exaggerate the bad parts of the person who harmed us. If not held in check, our imaginations will cook up a full-fledged monster in no time–sometimes for even the smallest offense. What did you conclude about the last person who cut you off on the freeway or jumped in front of you in line at the store? Regardless of the size of injury, we often paint a portrait in our minds that doesn’t match reality. As difficult as it may be, we need to find ways to test our mental caricatures against the true person, and keep it in line with the way God sees this person. (I John 1:9) “Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.” Dietrich Bonheoffer
- Revise our feelings. Feelings can’t be removed; they have to be replaced. Often when we gain new insights about a person or a situation, our feelings can change. I knew a person who was raised in a very shame-filled environment. This upbringing filled them with feelings of hatred and spite towards their parents. One day, a perspective shift happened: in a single moment, the child was moved from bitterness and disgust to empathy and compassion. The child was a firsthand witness to the grandparent shaming the father. Wow! There it is. The parents merely passed along what they had experienced. These reshaped feelings allowed the journey of forgiveness to continue in a healthy manner. (Matthew 6:14-15) “Forgiveness is not an emotion… Forgiveness is an act of will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” Corrie Ten Boom
- Accept the person who made us feel unacceptable. Read these words carefully. We accept the person, not the act. The bad, the evil, the injury is still a negative event that will remain in that category until God supernaturally moves it onto the positive side of the ledger (Romans 8:28). But, the person is a different story. We move toward forgiveness when we humbly recognize the fact that we are all capable of hurting others, both inadvertently and intentionally. When we stand in judgment and declare, “I would never have done that!” we render acceptance nearly impossible. When we acknowledge not only the bad we have done but the bad we are capable of doing, we are empowered to release others to be who they are–flawed fellow sinners in need of a Savior, just like we are. (Isaiah 43:25)
Until God bestows discipline, power and motivation upon us, we will never be able to forgive. Even if someone doesn’t want to acknowledge or have a relationship with God, the ability to forgive is a result of the general grace that He has sprinkled upon our world. The only way we can forgive another’s mighty transgression is if we sink our fingers into the reckless forgiveness that Jesus purchased for us.
When we consider that our sinful indebtedness was nailed to the cross with Jesus, taken away forever (Colossians 2:13-15) and that my guilt was disposed of by the precious blood of Jesus (I Peter 1:18), I am moved to forgive those who have caused me deep hurt.
Q: Whom did God bring to mind as you read this post? Who do you need to forgive?
“As a Christian I am called to treat my enemy as a brother and to meet hostility with love. My behavior is thus determined not by the way others treat me,
but by the treatment I receive from Jesus.”
Dietrich Bonheoffer
Check out an earlier post by Craig here
unforgiveness will eat you alive to forgive as God says is to have freedom
Grace!
God!
She might forgive but GOD won’t,HE demands the death penalty for rape,now not in years and years on death row,which is a huge farce
I guess 99% of the so called Christians don’t know the scriptures
That is the way God want us to be. For it you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Its what we must do..God forgives all,we do as well..doesn’t mean u say its ok..but to forgive one helps u heal with all God blessings..
bc of the grace of God if he can forgive us then why shouldn’t we forgive others a wonderful lady to forgive God bless her
Can I hold off on forgiveness until after I’ve removed their genitals?
It’s not easy to forgive, but until we do we carry the pain of anger with us.
God bless them
All tji
When I stand in front of God the first thing I would like to ask Him is please forgive me, how can I ask for forgiveness if I can,t forgive others, God will Reward her for what she did, God Bless that family.
Forgive Is to be forgiven by heavenly father that’s what he tells us to do.. thank you God for your grace…
If more people would forgive we would be a better country.
With man it’s not possible, but with God all things are popssible.
as difficult as it can be.god we must forgive
forgive is one thing…forget is another thing
let the girls do there own forgiveness. You get raped then lets see how easy fogieness is.
It is the “mantra ” of Christians to Forgive! If one cannot forgive, then ones Christianity is not complete!
Lord bless and keep your precious family in His hand, through God all things are possiable
look at what God has forgiven you through the blood of Jesus, we MUST also forgive. Bitterness and unforgiveness is a horrible thing to keep inside you.
all things are possible with Christ who strengthens us.our spirit demands forgiveness.why would anyone want to hold on to pain and hate when you have a kind and gentle God who can sooth your soul.
Why do you say that?
FORGIVE EVERYDAY!
I can understand this. I forgave a man who was abusive for years. He asked for my forgiveness and I told him I had already forgiven him.
AMEN
yep Father forgive us, as we forgive those who trespass against us …
The forgiver gets the healing they need. That is why God told us to forgive in our hearts. She will be blessed. Glad she knows the Lord.
He who angers you, owns you. Forgiveness cleanses your soul, but does not require that you forget.
Only by the Grace of God.
Because her daughter was kind of guilty too.
God doesn’t forgive EVERYTHING. Read, don’t just listen to “pop preaching”.
By the Grace of God. Bless you
Jesus that’s how!
All things are possible with God.
Wow thats a testimony. .of Love and Grace … Wisdom and courage..
thank you!
By the grace of God alone.
God bless this mother who was able to forgive–the Lord’s Prayer says to God “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.__Which means in the same was as we forgive others. Hard to do sometimes, but with God’s help, we can.
because she knows that her Saviour has forgiven her, so we learn to give back
God
Been raped. Not forgiven
forgive… I think not..I’d forgive him up side of his head with a ball bat!! wimpee.. It reminds me of this..swallow a camel and gag at a nat. nobody in their right mind could forgive that injustice!! GOD could have him just as soon as I got through with him, if there was anything left..
Amen
Yes one should forgive but one doesn’t have to take the abuse…. but consequence for the action is a must or the person will continue to repeat the offense to others. That is the sin of omission.
Its like this….we can either forgive the person or be eaten up by unforgivness and bitterness. Choose.
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. XO
You MUST forgive those that bring harm. God will declare their punishment..so do not carry the pain with you..give it to God. Forgiving someone also does not mean you will ever FORGET!
Amen God forgave us why cant we
Her trust is in YESHUA, (Jesus)!!!
Jesus loves us He may not always give us what we want but He gives us what we need
LORD, treat me tomorrow, as I have treated others TODAY……is my prayer.
Wow! That will sure make one think about how they are treating others! 🙂
Lord permit me to treat others the way I want to be treated.
soo true!
AMEN
True
The Truth Always Set You FREE!
THE TRUTH SETS YOU FREE.
AMEN
AMEN
Amen !
Amen